Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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