Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
