Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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