I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Randomize