so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
