I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
