just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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