Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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