those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
