I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
