On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
