so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
True strength comes from lack of pants
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
