Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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