Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
