i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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