probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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