Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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