i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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