The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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