I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
