The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
