my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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