i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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