i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
