well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
