Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
