There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
