Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Four minutes until I can fart!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Randomize
