The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
