I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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