When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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