So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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