my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
