then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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