Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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