Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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