No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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