I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
