***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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