first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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