I hate your face
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He better not be in your backpack
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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