when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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