nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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