Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
