dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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