booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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