We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
