I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
