This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
