The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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