I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
