I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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