I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize