If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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