Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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